PC World came out with a list of their favorite 100 Blogs (found here on msn.com). And, as can be expected, I was not mentioned. And why would I be? Outside of personal friends and family, who in their right god damned mind admit to reading my crazed, fevered, perverted, misogynistic, misanthropic, and potentially treasonous rantings?

Sure, I pretty much shoot myself in the foot by only updating about once every couple of weeks, rather than by the minute like most of the top blogs. And the occasional degradation of my subject matter into a stream-of-consciousness ode to my own sex life that is simultaneously self-deprecating and self-aggrandizing can be quite the turn-off to most outside observers.

But, come on. I'm hella witty! That's got to be worth something, right? And, every once and a while, I offer up a nugget of truth about our current state of being that might have otherwise gone unnoticed. Can't I even get so much as an "honorable mention" for something like that?

Well, I decided to take advantage of an opportunity here. I with 100 samples of what the technocracy concede is "A Good Blog," I decided to take the time to analyze and extrapolate a viable formula to maybe make my Virtual Voice a little louder. After all, what's the point of being narcissistic if you aren't famous?

First off, as I looked over the first page of the list (a grouping of Tech News Blogs), I was a little upset to find that most of, in fact all of, the blogs listed were not found on blogspot, livejournal, or any of the public blogging communities. Most of them had their own domain name, and those that didn't were part of the "blogs" subdomain of some other company (such as NY Times), conveying that the authors of these blogs were doing so solely at the employ of the domain owners.

This begs the question, where do we draw the line between a "blogger" and "critic?"

If a newspaper were to pay me to write a column talking about my opinions on the latest movies and TV shows, I'd be printed as a "Reviewer" or even just a "Columnist." But, but that same paycheck-influenced garbage online, and I'm a "blogger." Nope. Don't think so. This officially disqualifies 6 of the blogs on the first page. If what you write is published at the whim of the Houston Chronicle and not your own, you are not a blogger.

After working this out, I realized I may have been jumping the gun a bit. Perhaps my own idea of what a blog is suppose to be isn't really the reality of it all. So, I consulted the experts, and looked up the definition of "blog" on Google. The results, as you can see for yourself, do not help. Everyone seems to have an opinion of what a blog really is.

So, I'm going to work out a definitive formula; right here, right now. One that I will attempt to develop with logic and understanding, so that I may stand by it with attitude and resolve, and argue it with confidence should I cross paths with some idiot that disagrees with me.

To begin with, it seems to be that the creation of a new word such as "blog" should carry with it as it's definition, a new concept that cannot be claimed by any other already-existing word. This is why "hizzle" will never be a word. A "hizzle" is a "house." Just because you think speaking like an inbred parrot makes you sound cool, it doesn't mean you're re-writing the English language. Sorry. Can't have. Not yours.

However, in the case of "blog," this is exactly what happened. The wholly new concept of being able to openly and freely express your innermost thoughts and feelings in realtime online, gave way to the conceptual term of "Web Log," which was eventually contracted into it's own word; Blog. A natural, and actually quite beautiful, evolution.

The idea behind the original blog concept had to do with the fact that people were now able to do and were actually doing something that was not possible before. They were getting their words out. They weren't having to get the approval of a publishing house, a magazine editor, or whichever poor intern was in charge of the "Letters To The Editor" section that week. All they had to do now was click the "Publish" button, and it was done. No approval process, no editors, no censorship comities, no sponsor conflict of interest, no focus groups, and certainly no fucking cost.

A blog is also, by rule, lacking in static format. The author of the blog is the only person who decides what to write about and when to write about it. If I want to talk about politics for a week, then suddenly go off about the crappy movie I saw last night, that my business. It's my damn blog. If I decide to not post a thing for two months, that's nobody's problem but mine. And while it is true that my blog exists at the sole discretion of the people at Blogger.com and Blogspot.com, not once have I ever gotten a memo from them suggesting I try not to talk about boobs so much.

Now, payment received for your troubles does not automatically disqualify you as a blogger. It is, after all, the dream of every blogger (myself included) to simply be able to do this shit for a living. Why do you think I've got the GoogleAds? Believe me, if I were getting a big enough paycheck from advertising on this baby, my ass would be in this chair 24/7, giving you up-to-the minute updates on everything happening withing a 25-foot radius around me ("3:42pm: The bug zapper just sparked off again. From here it looks like it was one of the flies that was circling me yesterday.")

Truly, I don't think format is really a disqualifier either. If I wanted to test my resolve by posting something worth reading every hour, on the hour, for four straight weeks....that would be stupid. But that would be my prerogative, now wouldn't it? And, if I wanted to make all 672 of those posts all about what my dog is doing at that very moment? Again, stupid. But still, mine.

So, it seems to me, that what makes a blog a blog, is that the person writing it is calling all the shots. And I mean ALL the shots. Deadlines, minimum word-counts, "words to avoid," etc., etc., means you are not a blogger. You are a columnist.

A blog doesn't have to be only one person. There are Group Blogs out there (New Word: Gr'Blogs? Anyone?), and these often work quite well. But any time any contributer, regular or otherwise, has their material edited, blocked, or otherwise dictated by any other member of the blog, it is now no longer a blog, it's a newsletter. At best, you are an indie web zine.

Allow me to give an example, one that I'm sure everyone can appreciate; My Boring Ass Life, by Kevin Smith. We all know Mr. Smith as a filmmaker (per se), but that doesn't mean that his blog is all about movies and movie making. Sure, he talks about going to the Live Free or Die Hard premiere, but he does it in that down-to-earth way that any of us may write about it should we be overcome with the many years of good fortune that he has.

And he doesn't hold himself in one direction. If he wants to talk about going to the zoo with his daughter, that's what we're reading about. If it's the long and painful history of the drug abuse by his closest friend that's on his mind, that's what he is writing about. If it's not what you want to read about that day, I think I speak for Kevin when I say "feel free to fuck off."

Every word is Kevin Smith, and not one damn person on the planet has the power to change any of it.

What makes My Boring Ass Life such a great example is that, even if Kevin Smith wasn't famous as movie maker, his blog would still be worth reading. The man has a point of view that is unique, and yet easy to relate to. He also has a way with words that make it very comfortable, and quite enjoyable to be right there with him.

My Boring Ass Life is a Blog. A Real Blog. And, a Real Good Blog.

And yet, those dickweeds over at PC World didn't even mention him.

Not a surprise, really. A corporate entity such as PC World and MSN probably have "Kevin Smith" on that "words to avoid" list.

This, as you can imagine, colors my opinion as I continue over PC World's list of the 100 Best Blogs.

I was fully prepared to scour through all 100 of these blogs, weed out the NonBlogs, then give my thoughtful analysis on the remaining blogs. But the wind is out of my sails now. Just on the first page alone, the tip of the iceberg, I've already gotten pissed off.

I happen to pick the day of the iPhone release to do this, and every single one of the tech blogs was whore-mongering the hype. Everyone, and I mean everyone was reporting from on the scene, trying to sneak in hidden cameras, interviewing line squatters...and we're not just talking about long concise articles from each one of the bloggers that go into painful detail. No, we're talking minute-by-minute updates of garbage that go into painful detail. It reminded me of whenever there was a snowstorm in my home town. Not only would I be stuck at home all day, buried alive in my below-ground apartment, but now there's nothing to watch on TV because everyone's tossed all of their reporters onto every street corner, on ramp, off ramp, and steep set of public stairs to make sure that not a single skid-out or near-miss is missed by anyone in town. I get it, the iPhone is here. I'm impressed. Can we move on now? What's going on with that whole "flying car" thing everyone's always on about?

This really was the best the web has to offer? The Top Blogs aren't really blogs, just the Local Channel 6 News, on a worldwide scale?

Meanwhile, in Real Blog Land, a very real point was made by the Wired columnist that calls himself "The Luddite." The problem isn't that Big Media has hijacked the "blogosphere," it's that it was handed to them by the growing wave of mind-boggling shit that us amateurs pump out with unending resolve.

Re-posting a picture of a panty-less Lindsey Lohan crotch flash from another website, complete with a caption that reads simply "what a ho," does not make you a) a reporter, b) a gossip columnist, or c) anything at all, really.

So, I guess the question is, what really makes a Good Blog? I think the idea is that it's more than just a random posting of "I ate cornflakes for breakfast today." It's not just that it's a journal of personal musings; it goes that extra mile to make it worth reading.

It's the same thing that makes a book like Assassination Vacation a worthwhile read. While all of the history that is outlined in the book is available to anyone who wants to take the time to do the research, it's that special personal touch that Sarah Vowell gives it that makes it great literature.

What separates the Blogs from the rest of the publishing world, is that while there is a wide sea of shit to wade through before finding the good stuff, I'm the one who decides what the "good stuff" is. Rather than some corporate publishing giant, soulless money-driven lit agent, or the devil-may-care Rupert Murdoch; I am the one that dictates what is worth my reading time, and no one else.

A toast to the bloggers, the real bloggers. You suck, and that's what we love about you.

And now, to ensure that Google carves a direct path to this post, here is a picture of popular porn star, Summer Cummings (whom I think looks quite a bit like Uma Thurman, only with giant tits).



And, just for good measure, here is a close up shot of Summer Cummings' breasts. (Can also be called tits, boobs, cleavage, or knockers; depending on your Google Search Term preference.)



Boysies.

posted by JonTheDoc at 3:43 AM
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This post is inspired by the the book of the same name. Please enjoy...

The thing I actually love about China, is the fact that I am the best looking guy in any room. Chinese totally dig the Caucasian persuasion. Chinese guys love white girls, and Chinese girls adore white guys.

So as much as I complain about the women of china being a bunch of soulless, golddigging, conniving, lying, cheating, demi-whores that pick a husband the same way they would pick a handbag...well there sure are a lot of them, a goodly amount of them are pretty attractive, and they pretty much all think I'm just as hot as Brad Pitt. Who am I to split hairs?

Now, as much as I enjoy the "casual" relationship as much as the next guy, I have allowed two young Chinese girls to become actual Girlfriends. That's right, with the Capital G. I actually made attempts to take on long term relationships with not one, but two Chinese girls (the aforementioned Princess and Snow). Well, as the saying goes, "fool me twice, shame on me."

So, yes, I am back to being single again (for some time now) and do intend to stay that way for as long as humanly possible.

But I have to say that one of the things I did enjoy about my personal time with Princess and Snow, was the "sexual awakening" phase. You see, Chinese women don't really enjoy sex. This has to do with several factors in Chinese society that are quite reminiscent of america some 50 to 60 years ago.

First being the severe lack of erotic (or even sexually educational) material in China due to their very strict pornography laws. This leads to lack of imagination, and increase in shame when it comes to sexual experimentation. And eventually leads to millions of Chinese men that have no idea how to please a woman, and don't even try. Sex is something men can't stop themselves from doing, and it is the duty of a good wife to let them do it. That's it. End of story.

This evolves into rhetoric and rumor. I have met, and conversed with, Chinese women who truly believe that cervical and ovarian cancer are caused by masturbation. Some of them claim that this information comes directly from their doctor.

They also believe that having sex too often is what causes yeast infections.

I wish I was joking.

Millions upon millions of Chinese women go their whole lives never having an orgasm. Somebody call Amnesty International. I'm doing what I can, but I'm only one man.

So, what was I saying?...Yes, sexual awakening.

When a Chinese girl has sex with her first white guy, she usually has her first orgasm. Again, many factors. First, while it's not necessarily the rule, and it's not true for all Asian guys, I have it on good authority (The Women of China) that the Men of China have small dicks. And while I'm nothing a White girl would write home about, a Chinese girl will sometimes take a moment to light incense to her family spirits, thanking them for her sudden good fortune. And, while not all white guys are graduates of the Kama Sutra, the fact that any of us give any effort at all is miles more than a Chinese man has ever offered.

I don't really enjoy swapping stories with the other foreigners on sexual conquests. Mostly because these are guys so ugly, rude, immature, and unhygienic that most of them couldn't get laid in a morgue...in their home country. These assholes know this to be true. But, here in China, they've got them lined up and taking numbers. So, they like to talk...whether or not I'm interested is of no concern to them.

The most common thread among these deuchebags (as well as my own experience), is that once a Chinese girl has her first orgasm, all concerns of...well, anything go out the window. The health problems they think they might get if they have too much sex, are suddenly not that important. What their neighbors or their parents or their friends might think, are suddenly not that important. Holding down a job, eating, sleeping...not important. Once a Chinese girl has her first orgasm with her first white guy, she instantly becomes a White Meat Junkie (if you'll pardon the crude euphemism). One minute, she is a respectful, traditional, Chinese lady. The next minute, she loves the cock!

This brings on all manner of strange behavior as many layers of repression, guilt, and general sociological mind-fucking are peeled away. My favorite is the newly discovered "sexual self-image." As a fan of porn, and general Naked-Ladyness, I've always wanted to take nude photos of my girlfriends...and just about any other woman I meet that doesn't repulse me.

Which was why I was so happy when I realized (just today it hit me, seriously) that my record was Two for Two in China. Far better than my Zero for Seven record back home.

First of all, there was Princess. Princess had already gone past her "awakening" stage as I was merely the latest in a string of White boyfriends for her. By the time she found me, she was already past the "cock worship" and was already back on track to roping up a White Husband. When she realized she wasn't going to get a ring out of me, she immediately began hunting for a new White boyfriend, while still visiting me four or five times a week for sex. I just found out about a week and a half ago, that the guy she started dating after me was dumb enough to marry her.

But, before all that happened. Princess and I would chat periodically online. It was actually quite a bit easier than talking to her in person. Her written English was far better than her spoken.

She also had a webcam...



Snow was a bit of a different story. I was her first White guy, and word around the campfire is, it was "no more sex" that made her most upset about our breakup (though it took her over a month to admit it).

She chose the classier route. She ended up being TankGirl's first Chinese model...


And so, a trifecta seems to be in play, or perhaps a new trend. Either way, I like it. It's more than just the male egoist tendency to show off your "I Hit That" collection. It's almost like personal memorabilia. In that same sense that some women will say how they don't regret posing in the nude, because it allows them to look back on the days when they were young and beautiful and bold; I'm sure it won't be long at all before I'll be looking back at the pictures of Princess, Snow, and those to follow and think to myself "Wow...I used to get laid. Those were the days."

Boysies.

posted by JonTheDoc at 2:43 PM
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