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Off the record...
I just want to get this out. I hate dating. I hate the whole dating scene. I hate the courtship, the proposal, the first date, the second date, and even the third date. I hate the posturing, the analyzing, the questions, and the answers. I hate, most of all, getting to know someone. The Big Move, Part 2
The hard part is over. | ||||||
I walk past this park on my way to work every day. Today, I noticed this sign for the first time. Doug was nice enough to take the picture for me after I commented on how absurd I felt the whole thing was.
As the story goes, there once was a McDonalds and Burger King that stood right next to each other. One night, the Burger King burned to the ground. McDonalds proposed to buy up the property and put a park there. They even commisioned the city to make it an official City Park so long as they held up the responsibity for it.
That's right. Municipal public property owned by McDonalds. This is right up there with DisneyWorld taking up so much land in Florida that they qualify as their own county and thus are responsible for their own police force. Yes, you heard right. In DisneyWorld, Disney is the law.
It bothers me to a point to think that more and more companies are taking advantage of the legal rights awarded to them. It's not as though we don't have the same rights. If I had the money that McDonalds has, I might open up a park. If I had the money Disney has, I'd build my own magical kingdom as well. But the problem is, while a person can be reasoned with when it comes to the interests of the public concerning these properties, a corporation is not concered with reason or public interest.
A corporation exists only to better istelf, at the expense of all others. Because of resposibilities implied by minority shareholders, a corporations must do everything in it's power to continue growing and making money. If Disney or McDonalds were to ever pass up an opportunity to do so, their shareholders would have the right to sue them for the money they might have made. None of the managers or directors of these companies are ever allowed to say "You know, we're all filthy stinking rich enough as it is. What say we lay off for a year or so?" Mass firings and executions would ensue. Selfishness, greed, and narcisism are the ruling mentality of the ruling class. This entire concept is outlined in detail in the book entitled The Corporation. If you're like me and you like to consider yourself an intillectual, but still a sucker for pretty lights and loud music, there is the documentary film of the same name.
The major problem behind all of this is the fact that, in the eyes of the law, a corporation is a person. And as time goes by, more and more corporations are taking advantage of this fact by demanding the same rights and benefits as a person does. Nike once defended it's right to lie in it's advertisments as a First Amendment issue. Recently, Weblinkhosting.com announced it was going to adopt a child. Multiple companies have taken money from Social Security (read Downsize This! by Michael Moore for details.)
And yet, with corporations enjoying the same protections we do, they hold none of the resposibility. Sure, Enron is all but out of business thanks to raping of the energy industry they led for the last decade or so, but all of the top dickheads that made the calls to do so are mere "employees" as far as the law is concered. That is enough of a technicality to keep them all walking around free and clear with the multi-millions they stole and big, toothy smiles.
It's the double edged sword that protects all of us, should we ever wish to go into business for ourselves. But as is the case in any great society; while the rights are afforded to all, only the rich and powerful can really afford them.
Well, once again I've been beaten to the punch. Something I've wanted to say for years has been said by someone else. Fortunately, it's so perfectly done that I don't have to feel bad about it. In fact, I like it so much I'm doing my part to make sure more people know about it. I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies All the porn I've come across Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected These aren't real women. They're objects. But I don't wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn. You can have the whole cheerleading squad, But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film? I'm talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve. My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes. In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn't even have to get naked. Buy stock in some hand cream companies And I'm not just talking about straight porn. Oh no. This idea is a fucking gold mine. If you're an intelligent woman who is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,
Thanks to Burton for telling me about this guy.
Nerd Porn Auteur
by Ernest Cline
that are made for guys like me.
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary
liposuctioned women
Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation
in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.
And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.
These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don't turn me on.
They disgust me.
And it's not that I'm against pornography.
I mean, I'm a guy. And guys need porn.
Fact.
"Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,"
Guys need porn.
I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:
Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world
is a woman who is smarter than you are.
I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:
Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.
Oh yes.
First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
Summa cum laude, baby!
That is what I call erotic.
No.
Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.
I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.
And the women in my porno movies will be the kind
that drive nerds like me mad with desire.
The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.
Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.
Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses
and chips on their shoulders.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.
They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and
beat them repeatedly at chess
and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.
because there is about to be a major shortage.
There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren
of all sexual orientations.
Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like "Dungeons and Drag-queens."
I am gonna make millions,
because this country is full of database programmers
and electronics engineers
and they aren't getting the loving they so desperately need.
And you can help . . .
and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet,
then you are hired.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful. . .
And I will make you a star.
Boysies.
Ever since I was a kid, I've had a very low tolerence for foriegn substances. Sure, my friends all gave me the usual sing-song tauntings considering my lack of constitution. Meanwhile, I've gotten twice as toasted on half the money. I was one of the few people I knew who could drink, smoke, and puke the night away and still have money for breakfast. Because of this, I've avoided drinking too often since A) the last time I threw a pool cue at a cop car really should not have happened, and B) I don't want to start building a tolerance, thus ruining my reputation as a cheap date.
Sometimes, about once or twice a year, I like to defrag. When life's little pressures build up, bit by bit, I need a moment to smash them all into oblivion then reassemble them into more orderly thoughts. I have found that the best way to do this is to drink myself into a stupor so deep and stinky that even Ernest Hemmingway would leave me to die. There is dancing, singing, biting, scratching, toasting, spilling, dipping, throwing, running, jumping, tripping, smashing, and poetry. When it's over, I crawl into the darkest hole I can find and hibernate for aproximately 18 to 26 hours. When I crawl back out, life is good. Everything makes sense. All of the things I was so worried about the night (or so) before seem petty and trite and solutions are simple.
Last weekend called for such a night. For the last week or so life, liberty, and the persuit of happiness has been a little bit more of a trial than previously advertised. My most recent loss of mental integrity had reached a breaking point, the details of which I will leave out here so as not to incriminate myself. Needless to say, now that I have taken a couple of days to reboot, I am now of sound mind and body and better prepared to continue with my quest. Mistakes were made, but now that I once again have full use of my faculties, I can approach these mistakes and fix them with grace and charm. The voices have gone silent, and the world around me has returned to it's natural shape. I am strong again. In the tradition of the mighty Sampson, my hair has grown back and I am ready to pull the world down on top of itself.
As much as I dispise drunk people, there is something to be said for getting shitfaced once and a while. My own hypocricy is not lost on me. I know that the first step in the "being a better person" kick I'm on is to practice what I preach. To this I preach, "Moderation." We all know that eating too many foods with high concentrations of sugar for too long of a period can cause a long list of chronic health problems, such as obesity and diabetes. We also know that completely eliminated all sugars from your diet can bring upon it's own short roll-call of wasting life syndroms. This also applies to dairy products, red meat, carbohydrates, fruits, and vegitables. Too much or too little is bad for you. Every one of us must find our own middle ground to balance out our general well being. Some of us requre more work at it than others, but the goal is the same. Moderate; do not deny yourself, or overindulge yourself. Life is too short to be ruined by drought or saturation of your self, mental or physical.
There, now I've preached as I have practiced. Happy now?
Boysies.
Well, Mike and Burton did it. Why not me? After all, the people of the world are waiting with bated breath to know which comic book hero I most resemble.
You are Spider-Man
Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...Spider-Man 80% Superman 75% The Flash 70% Batman 65% Supergirl 62% Robin 60% Green Lantern 60% Wonder Woman 57% Catwoman 55% Hulk 50% Iron Man 40% You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.
Hmm...I always saw myself as more of a "Batman" type. Oh, well. Who am I to argue with the experts?
It has begun.
Sam has been "in transition" for a couple of months. As he was trying to get things rolling at his new job and find a new place to live, he's been staying here with me while Andy and Sienna are doing their thing in China.
Now that it's been decided that I'm going to join the kids in the last great communist playground, Sam has found his own new apartment and I am going to be bunking on his couch, saving up cash for the big ride east.
Today I begin the daunting task of sorting through the few worldly goods I have left, deciding what is to go with me in my carry-on bags, and what is to stay here in (gulp!) storage. Once I've figured that much out, I begin again with whatever Andy and Sienna had left behind. This whole process should not take more than a week or so, mainly because I was only able to pay half of this month's rent and promised the landlord that I would be out by then.
They say that the greatest cause of acute stress in a person's life is a three-way tie between the death of a loved one, divorce, and moving. Having experienced each of these at least once (some more times than I care to count) I can definitely say that naming the worst of them is beyond me.
I've been through this before, mind you. Just last year I was going through this exact same ordeal as I prepared myself to take flight from Portland and begin anew in Chicago. Now I'm kissing Chicago goodbye (giving it the finger, more like) and starting anew anew.
However, many of the problems I had during my big Chicago move are resurfacing here for this two-part pilgrimage. Work has started to become confusing, as I am forgetting how to use the computers. People seem a bit uglier to me than usual. I've become paranoid about the true intentions of my friends. My little imaginary friend that introduced himself during my divorce has started whispering in my ear again after months of silence. The other night, I forgot to call my kids for our weekly phone call. Today, I missed my neurologist appointment. This morning, my breakfast cereal had no taste. Last night, I had my first panic attack in over a year. It's like any amount of stress I have over the usual high water mark of everyday life reopens all the old scars.
Two years ago, my therapist warned me of this. People who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress usually don't surface their worst symptoms until a stress of another kind pushes them over the edge. We're like a bunch of camels, with backs already broken.
Well, it hasn't killed me yet. Nor have I killed anyone yet. So, it can't be all that bad. I pushed through it to get to Chicago, I'll plow through it on my way to China too. Especially since I am much happier to be leaving Chicago than I was to be leaving Portland.
There are so many people that I want to hurt. People who have hurt me or others I care about. People whom I think just deserve a little more pain than they've gotten in life.
Many people tend to confuse the meanings of Justice, Revenge, and Vengence. Is revenge justice? What is the difference between revenge and vengence?
What is the best revenge?
There are a few people whom I desire to exact great and terrible revenge on. My closest friends already know who these people are and why. At the top of the list is my ex-wife.
There is always the "eye for an eye" approach, a sort of "do unto others as they have done unto you" theorem. But that is impractical, as I've already passed up all of my opportunies to cheat on my wife or press her with false accusations of abuse in order to get custody of my kids.
I'm told by some family members that I should try and make amends with my ex, as she has recently grown into a much better, more mature, more stable person. She's also become engaged to be married again and I should wish her the best. I say to these family members, "what, are you fucking crazy?"
I spend 5 years in absolute hell, supporting my ex through her "dark times" and taking all of the abuse she can dish out, waiting and working patiently for the day when she would finally become that better, more mature, more stable person that I always knew she could be. And now that she's finally there, not only does some other goober (who has never paid a single day of the price that I paid) get to be her husband and live with my kids, and not only has she never even so much as apologized to me for the way she treated me for all those years, but she also still acts as though it was all my fault. While she may have become a better person since then, I am still very much the embittered, shell-shocked, empty husk of a man that she made me.
Now, I am sitting here in this deep, dark, painful confusion. I am simultanously still in love with my wife and gloriously happy that she's finally become the wonderful woman that I always knew was burried so deep under that depression. I also hate her with every fiber of my existence for being a decent human being to everyone but me.
I desire revenge.
What kind of revenge, though?
I could kidnap my kids and run for Canada.
I could try and win her back, only to kick her to the curb as soon as she's comfortable.
I could call up my hacker friends and magically give her a criminal record.
I could pay a prostitute to seduce the new husband, so she may know the absolute unmeasureable pain of true betrayal.
I could just start setting things on fire. I'm good with fire.
Beleive you me, I have gone over all of the options. I've finally settled on something. I'm not sure who said it but I once heard a quote that said "The best revenge is to live well."
That makes a lot of sense. I mean, why should I admit that all of this crap that she and many others did to me was all that it took to take me down. Why shouldn't I get on with my life the way I planned, while they all continue to take the "safe" and "easy" path toward mediocrity and alchoholism? Why should I not make it my life's work to prove all of them wrong?
I will live well.
Here be mine manifesto. I will go to China. I will make films and money; hand-over-fist. I will make enough to get myself a deluxe appartment in the sky, a maid, a cook, a harem, and a bicycle. I will never miss a child support payment. I will shower my children with gifts on each birthday and holiday. And, finally, I will make the money needed to fly my children to China for every summer vacation where they will live like the prince and princess they are. Hell, I'll even be a nice guy and pay the child support to their mother while they're with me. I will live well and I will make no sacrifices for it. I will lead the life I have always wanted and make no comprimises. I will accept nothing less. And hear me now, World, for I will not even comprimise my morals or my values.
I will show her and the rest of them what a grave mistake it was to treat me the way they did.
I will be a father.
I will be a writer.
I will be a world traveler.
I will be an educated man.
I will be an actor.
I will be a filmmaker.
I will be an international businessman.
I will be all of these things and more and I will reject all suggestions to the contrary!
I say this now to the gods and everyone else who ever said I had to comprimise my goals and dreams, as well as everyone who told me to be a good dog and "Come Home! Play Dead!" --> Fuck you! I played the compromise game and all it got me was pain and repeat demands for even more compromise. From now on, I will have my cake, and I'm going to eat every fucking bite!
I will have my revenge!
